I struggle with a lot in life, like we all do I suppose. I am still alive however, so I must still deal with the consequences of me being born. There are some things in my life that I hate. One of the things that I hate is that there are people who would feel guilty and sad all their lives if I ended my pain. Isn't that the fucking worst? I really don't want to hurt these people. Or at least I don't want to hurt some of them, like my mom and my girlfirend and a few friends.
But that's about it, I don't like the rest of my family. They treated me like fucking garbage and they still keep trying to do it whenever they get the chance to interact with me. It's insane. I interact with them once every few months and they think that we are on good terms. They barely know me so they can't figure out what it's like for me to like or not like them.
I really hate the circumstances that I was brought up in. I live in post soviet shithole nr 10000 and the state is corupt so obviously I was abused by teachers since I was such an easy target because I have shit family = easy target syndrome (except 4 mom luv u mom). The mistakes that my dad made along the way while rasing me fucked my mental so bad that I am still not even close to being ok, even after trying for so long to get better.
I am so done with having to deal with other's negligence. Most days I struggle with mood problems. There are days that are extra hard and the only way I have found to cope is to look up how to fucking kill myself without hurting others. Or how to kill myself in general. Or that I want to die. The amount of times I have typed "I WANT TO FUCKING DIE NOW" in my searchbar is scary. A good amount of my days I am debilitated by this pain. I just want it to end.
I am so done with fucking college. I hate college. All the fucking chatGPT absuing morons get to pass easily because they get take home assignments that get them easy passing grades while I WORK MY ASS OFF and sometimes still FUCKING FAIL. I'm so fucking done. I hate the classes, most of them just waste my time, they don't teach me anyting usefull. So these classes only exist to make me put in effort to learn, get a grade, and then move on since the information is useless. And since the college doesn't want to punish cheaters apparently, I'm being actively punished for actually doing the work with worse grades and less time for other stuff. I HATE THIS FUCKIGN SHIT WHAT THE DULC?
I also hate the direction the world is going in. I have ai (obvs), I hate how the ai companies just pretend that they aren't putting in absurdly low prices just so people become dependent on them. I hate how people compare ai art to digital art or rythym machines or whatever technology came before. Did photoshop need 192032109321093821038120938TB of stolen art, 129381239127398 dollars of investor money to make shit? no. AI DOES lol. Laws aren't being made against ai shit because lobbying. Which is funny because we have copyright law so people don't disturb the creative markets and then we have AI which shits on the creative market but nobody does anything because money.
What's the fucking worst is that employers expect me to use AI. I have colegues that use ai at work and I swear to god they have shit brain. They just take ai as always being right and never use their brains for anyting. I was working with a colegue on a project. He ai slopped the whole thing during 2 hours of agenting bs idk. It didn't work how he liked, and then he said he wanted to change the whole project. HE NEVER ONCE HAD ANY IDEA OF WHAT WAS GOING ON INSIDE IT. Just some shit ass summary that barely explained anything it just had shit ass buzzwords. THIS IS PURE SLOP, EMPLOYERS ARE SIMPLETONS THAT CAN'T REALIZE THIS IS PURE SHIT AND THEN I'M OUT OF WORK BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO USE AI.
That's one of the things that I hate too. I was studying to become a programmer and now the job is nothing like it was when I first started out. It's just another office job now, you don't need to be any good, you just need someone to hire you (through 100% meritocratic ways) and to keep promoting you (100% merit btw). IF I WANTED A SHIT ASS CORPORATE LIFELESS WASTE OF TIME JOB I WOULD'VE GONE THE HR ROUTE. But no, all that effort and all those years down the drain. And all the people who neglected me and caused all my pain are nonstop gaslighting me that it's not like that WHEN IT FUCKING IS ???? WHY WOULD THEY KNOW JACK SHIT ARE THEY PROGRAMMERS??? NO ??? !!!.
It's wierd how I've always described my experience with my responsabilites as someone "taking" something from me. As though they are literraly taking a piece of my soul from me, leaving me worse off. Sicne I've been prioritizing my mental health recently I have been able to actually detect what is going on when it happens and It's kind of wierd. Basically, I need to be detatched from my feelings in order to do difficult tasks that feel like huge wastes of time (like idk studying for useless and difficult exams for a job that doesn't exist anymore), and that detachment ... just doesn't go away on it's own. And I just fall into the same patterns that I did back when I was completly ignoring my feelings and mental state.
For context, I just finished my exam session and had some very difficult exams. I think I'm depressed or just unhappy with my situation in general so it is very hard for me to do what is asked of me. But I don't feel like I can afford to not fufill my responsabilities so I am faced with either neglecting my mental health so I can take care of my responsabilities or neglecting my responsabilities so I don't worsen my mental health. Of course I feel obligated to neglect my mental health since there is pressure from society and those around me to not neglect my responsabilites. Neglecting my mental health in this situation is really fucking bad and also second nature to me.
How do I know? Honestly, I'm still very numb. I can only intuit this from the fact that I've had some mini relapses with some stuff that I've been dealing with. And to me that is good evidence that my emotional state is doing horrible, and I'm just not able to listen in. Think about it. I used an avoidant coping mechanism that I haven't felt the need to use in more than a year. What that tells me is that my emotional state hasn't been this bad in more than a year, or at least hasn't been this desperate for something that works to change my emotional state. AND I COULDN'T TELL. I COULDN'T. 100% HONEST. If I knew or felt that I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and why I'm suddenly getting those urges then I would've known that I require special attention and figured out a way to take care of my emotional needs without relapsing.
What's really bothering me know is the fact that this has most likely been going on my whole life. All the abuse, all the neglect, all the meaningless fetch quests that I have to go on because someone somewhere 100 years ago said that that's how it's supposed to be. All of that put me in this state. All of that made me separated from my feelings and my mental state. And my feelings did whatever they could to fix the problem of feeling some type of way. All of the times where I wondered why I did what I did... and blamed myself... am I really to blame? I didn't know how to handle the situation of accidentally disconnecting myself from my feelings to the point that they get desperate and affect my decision making. How could I have prevented something bad happening if my emotions were pushing me in al sorts of ways.
Anyway, I don't mean to say that responsabilities are bad, more so that the way that my fucked up crainium guts react to said responsabilites is very self destructive, which is a me problem. I see now that the way I'm handling certain problems in my life is doing me more harm than good. I'm also realising that this shouldn't be happening, and I assume that a normal healthy person doesn't do this. I will try to be more perceptive in the future in regards to when I'm feeling impulsive, and taking it as an opportunity to asses if I happen to be feeling numb, and if I am, handling the situation appropriatedly, instead of letting it fester until it takes away precious progress.
If you are bothered by my grammar/spelling then eat my fucking ass and balls
Hi all! I'm feeling super overwhelmed and I can't sleep so I'm going to type some of my thoughts here in hopes that it helps quiet down the general distress that I'm experiencing. Being myslef sucks. I had a good day today. Nothing went wrong today -- well a potential employer ghosted me even though they said they would call me today but whatev's I wasn't expecting anything more from some techbros anyway, wouldn't call that a day ruiner. What does suck is that even on a good day I still am kept awake at night by thoughts and desires to harm myself, that I am useless, that I am horrible, that I should die that I'm not allowed to die and that everything is my fault. Even if things happen to go my way I'm still not allowed to have some peace and quiet. Being able to see what this disease is doing to me is eye opening, it really is debilitating sometimes.
I feel like a big part of that is how people seem to kill themselves after achieving some success since they realize that their depression will ruin their lives whatever they do (unless they get medicated/help/lucky and sometimes that doesn't even work). You can't really achieve your way out of this. I had a successfull day today but it doesn't protect me from the horrors of being alive. When I'm in bad situations and I feel horrible it makes sense at least. Like ofc I feel like crap I'm being tortured!! Funny thing is I don't even feel bad when I'm in bad situations I just feel overwhelmed and then numb. So I usually only realize I'm feeling bad when I shouldn't be feeling bad.
Hearing myself talk and seeing what I'm writing on here makes me think that I should change my life. I'm seriously contemplating going in a different direction with my life. Being able to look objectively at how I'm describing my situation and current life experience really puts into perspective how trapped I feel and how there really is no good way to look at my future if I keep going in the direction that I'm going. WHY ARE TECH LAYOFFS STILL HAPPENING IT'S BEEN GOING ON NON STOP FOR 3 YEARS STRAIGHT ??? Life as I have it right now is ruining me, and that's not going to change unless I change my life.
But what if it has no effect? What if I change my life and see no benefit? What if it's worse? I ask myself that all the time whenever I actually have to move in a new direction. But the thing is that there is no way of knowing. What if I do change, it improves my quality of life, but depression just ruins whatever joy/benefits I would get from said improvements. Wouldn't that suck ass? But... I don't seem to want this life, and the only way to find out is to bite the bullet and go fuck around.
I feel like a big mistake I made regarding this is that I was pitching this idea to the people around me to see whet they think. This initially made me feel really unsure about what ideas I've had because they were skeptical and didn't want me to waste the time I've spent studying compsci (wasteland of a jobmarket btw). But they don't have to deal with being me, or being a newbie in this shit trade. So to them it just looks like I'm going insane. What they don't see is that I've been insane for the last 11ish years of my life and I just want to survive and nothing more. Why the fuck would I sacrifice whatever is left of my qol so I can have money? I don't really want to live anyway... What's the point? I'm alive for those who care about me/need me alive and if they expect me to do more than survive for them they can fuck right off and let me eat lead.
anyway gn yall ~~